When I announced to my family I was engaged, I got more congratulations and "we're so proud of you" than I ever received in my life. Even more than when I graduated with an MA from a British University, or became Assistant Director of a museum. I'm not saying no one cared about those accomplishments because they did, it just seems as if my engagement brought more happiness than previous accomplishments. So was getting engaged an accomplishment? I guess at my age and in my particular culture (living behind the Mormon curtain) it was a big accomplishment. At 37 I was well past my prime of marriage and I'm fairly certain that the majority of my family figured I would spend the rest of my life with a roommate and a house full of cats. I'm not going to lie I had begun to have doubts myself. I remember at my brothers wedding standing in the receiving line and every person that came though asked me if I was next. I was in my 20s at the time so there was still hope. As time marched on the question became less and less frequent, people had given up on the idea that I would ever get married.
There was a distinct pattern in my hometown of St. Anthony: graduate high school, go to the local college - Ricks College (now Brigham Young University Idaho), date a return missionary, get married, happily ever after. Maybe my first mistake was not going to Ricks College, I went to Lewis in Clark State College in Northern Idaho where I quickly found out that the profession I should always do was not the one I wanted (elementary school teacher). I returned a year later and a year after that moved to Pocatello I attend Idaho State University. I graduation with a BA in Anthropology, my mum, grandparents, uncle Chris, and Aunt Barbara were there to celebrate with me. It was a proud moment for me, one of my proudest, I was the first other than an aunt to have attended and graduate college. By this time I was 21 and still unmarried (gasp!) but maybe there was still hope?
I should mention that the male population of my previous home (Pocatello) had taken no interest in me. Females aren't supposed to make the first move where I'm from, you wait for the guy to ask you out. You date for a short period (usually a year or less) and then your married and producing offspring. Through my 20s I worked hard, had adventures and enjoyed life, but still no men ever took interest in me. I was the overweight female friend that guys talked to in order to get to know my skinny attractive friends. I saw friend after friend date and marry.
I entered my 30s and submitted to the idea that I would be single forever, so I decided I should focus on a career 100%. I applied for a MA program at the University of Kent and set off to find myself and further my career. Imagine my surprise when not even a month into my program and a guy was interested in me. Me! The fat friend! He didn't talk to me to get to my skinny beautiful friends he wanted to get to know me! I was awkward and still unsure that it was real and ended up pushing him away (if you ask him, he will tell you the story of his rejection!) What he didn't understand was that guys never took interest in me for me. I had been taken aback and didn't know how to respond. Besides I had moved to the UK so that I could get a degree, I hadn't planned on falling in love.
But I constantly thought about him, what might have been, and the sadness I felt that I had "rejected" him. Its not that we didn't see each other because we did, we had the same circle of friends after all and lived in the same University complex. We became friends and spoke now and again, but I always regretted it hadn't become anything more. University ended and my roommate and I moved to a little house in Wincheap. I got a job at the Cathedral and she got a night job at Sainsburys. Life went on. Imagine my surprise when I walked into a friends house and found that same man sitting there on the sofa. I couldn't stop smiling and we spent the evening talking, laughing, and dancing. He offered if I ever wanted to get out of Canterbury that I could come to Croydon and spend the day with him. I decided this time to ignore the fear and take him up on his offer. A week later I was on a train to Croydon and he met me at the station. It was an awkward greeting neither of us knowing wether to hug, kiss on the cheek, or shake hands. It ended up as a half hug/kiss on the cheek. We had lunch in the pub, and went to the cinema. After we went back to the pub for a drink and he walked me back to the train station. As we walked back to the station he took his hand in mine and the butterflies in my stomach kicked up again and I smiled, he was a hand holder. Long story short, we fell in love and on 13 March 2017 we were married.
Five and a bit months into marriage and I'm wondering what is a good wife?
In 1956 a good wife did the following:
Like I said when I announced my engagement my world told me that becoming a wife was the most important thing I had ever done. So now my quest is: What is a good wife? Should I be doing my husbands laundry for him? Making dinner every night? This part is a bit complicated as we currently live with his parents and older brother and his wife.
It’s a conundrum for sure.
Who should I be looking up to? Who are the modern wives we should model our lives after? Melania Trump? Kim Kardashian? Hillary Clinton? Lord I hope not!
Marriage is a partnership right? Its full of ups, down, and a lot of confusion. I've only been married for 5 months and I'm still grappling with the question of how to a wife.
Here’s what I came up with:
Make where you live a place you want to be. Do it because it makes the both of you happy and you want to spend time in your home together. For us, its not the whole house but a bedroom. It is our sanctuary where we relax, where we organize our lives. We curl up together to watch a film or spend our time doing that tedious life admin stuff.
Don't try and control everything. Let your husband be the one to plan things. I love it when Sudheer decides we are going to go on an adventure for the day and won't tell me where we are going. He pretends he want to top up my oyster card for the following week and then leads me down the ramp and onto a waiting train. While it makes me a tiny bit anxious the sheer joy and anticipation of adventuring with my love surpasses the anxiety.
Leave the nagging to someone else. His boss nags him at work, parents nagged him when he was a kid. I'm a bit of a control freak, I like the room clean, things put away and order rather than chaos. So yes I get a bit freaked out when clothes aren't in the hamper or there are a pile of papers on the desk. But I am trying to let it go and not nag.
Make him feel needed. We all want to feel needed, I know I can take care of myself I've done it for decades, but one of the great things about being married is I don't have to do it on my own anymore. I'm part of a team. This is one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I have looked after myself and others for so long I don't know how to let someone look after me, but I'm trying.
Marriage comes first. Yes by all means have a career and friends that you see you need that, but marriage is important too. Make time to enjoy time with each other. Go away on a romantic weekend here and there. Just because you said I do doesn't mean the romance has to die. Make an effort to put your marriage first.
Say I love you and thank you often. I have the most amazing husband, he is supportive and kind. I try to tell him I love you every chance I get and when he goes out of his way to get me something I have been eyeing I always say thank you. I don't say it because I feel I have to. I tell him thank you because I want him to genuinely know that I appreciate everything he does for me.
I'm not the 1950s wife. I don't wear and apron, I don't stand by the door with a drink in hand waiting for him to get home, I don't iron his clothes for work and I don't offer to take off his shoes for him.
I'm still finding myself as a wife just as he's finding himself as a husband, but we're doing it together. In this day and age, getting married isn't the accomplishment, staying happy and married is. I know we will have our arguments, and disagreements. There will be times when things aren't perfect and lovely but it said in the vows in good times and in bad. We will weather any storm that life brings our way. It took almost 40 years to find my soul mate, I don't plan on letting him go anytime soon.
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