Self Reliance, Family, and Missing Pieces

If your like me you've been self reliant for a loooooong time!  I've also always been the one who makes sure everyone else is ok. Growing up I took care of my great grandmother (Nana) what started out as me spending the weekend with Nana when I was 7 turned to spending the week with her and weekends with my Mum until by the time I was 10 I was living with Nana full time and my Mum would visit us once a month or so.  I became the one my Nana relied on to buy groceries, run errands, and help with the upkeep of the house. I suppose you  could say I grew up quickly. By the time I was 11 weekends changed from sleepovers with friends to staying close to home in case she needed me. I didn't mind though. Truth be told I relied on her as much as she relied on me.  Nana always knew how to mend the physical and emotional hurt, she was the one I turned to the day my best friend committed suicide.

Spending time with my great grandmother was amazing. My love of Japanese culture came from her.  She had a curio cabinet (which I inherited) full of little Japanese treasures. I remember as a child her allowing me to open the cabinet and play with those wonderful treasures.  I was always so careful to make sure I didn't drop, break, or otherwise inflict harm to those trinkets which she held so dear. My play mostly comprised of having the Japanese figurines walk over the ceramic bridge.

It was also from my Nana that I gained a love of England.  I remember on a family holiday to Washington we went to the ocean and my Nana telling me that if I looked really hard I could see the shores of England.  I didn't have the heart to tell her we were standing on the wrong coast and even if we were on the correct coast it was too far away. But I stood with her and looked out over the water imagining I could see the British coast and the land of our ancestors.  Nana was named Esperance after the ship that brought her parents over from the motherland.  She always wanted to go the England, but never had the chance. With her passing (I was 14) I made it my goal to one day visit England for her.  I made my first trip here in 2007 in her honour.  I still remember stepping off the plane at Heathrow Airport and whispering "I did it Nana, I'm in England", tears rolling down my cheeks I made my way to immigration.

Living here in London I have to wonder what Nana would think of England. The hustle and bustle of the city, crowds of people rushing to and from work, even bigger crowds of tourists taking in the sights.  I imagine if she were alive today she would want to see Buckingham Palace and Tower Bridge.  She wouldn't want to the take Underground, she'd prefer a black cab. We would have tea with scones and clotted cream and she would tell me the stories her parents told her of England. We'd window shop at Selfridges and try on hats in a fancy hat shop. We'd travel outside of London and see Windsor Castle, Stonehenge, and go to the seaside where we would site and have proper fish and chips.

Life isn't the same without her around and even though she has been gone for 25 years I still miss her everyday, but I hope she looks in on me from time to time and is proud of the person I have become.