This Is Me

Have you ever had a song speak to you on such a personal level that the hairs on your arms stand up and you feel like a song was written for you?  This Is Me is that song for me.  And while I loved every song that came on, this is the one that spoke to me the most. It is the signature song of "The Greatest Showman" a musical biography of P.T. Barnum and is an empowering song to outcasts everywhere.

I am not a stranger to the dark

"Hide away", they say

"'Cause we don't want your broken parts"

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

"Run away", they say

"No one'll love you as you are"

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

I have always felt like an outsider/outcast, in school I was the fat kid from the trailer park, at church I was the fat kid from a single parent household, in my family I was the daughter of a step child.  Every now and then people made attempts to include me and make me feel less like an outcast.  I'm not saying I had a particularly difficult childhood ( I had a few close friends who were outcasts as well), a lot of people are a lot worse off than I ever was.  All I'm saying that that I was different. I was the outcast that just didn't fit in.

I tried so hard to fit in,  I went through stages of starving myself and throwing up everything I ate to try and lose weight so I could be the same size as other girls in my school in hopes of being accepted.  I used my mother's iron to try and straighten my hair so I looked like everyone else.  I did well in school hoping I would at least fit in with the smart kids, but I wasn't as smart and didn't fit in there either.  In High School I auditioned for the choir and got in only to be an outsider within a group.  University was easier, the people in my program had a lot of the likes and interests I did so I was invited to social activities.  The first guy to take interest in me I pushed away because I thought there was no possible way he actually liked me (its a good thing he didn't give up, because we would have never gotten married and I would have at least 15 cats by now). 

Its been a long hard road, and I am only now learning to accept myself for who I am and understand that it is okay to be me.  Early life conditioning has made me uncomfortable in my own skin. I am extremely self critical and I know that puts limits on my potential.  I know I have to find my own self worth, it can't be given to me.  I've always found my worth through work and so not having a job this past year has been particularly difficult for me.  So much in fact that I have begun to think that the only thing I am good for is working in fast food, or baggage handling at an airport.

 Unfortunately I have a fixed mind set which means when I am challenged I get very defensive.  I don't mean to, but its an instinct.  I know I have to grow and expand my mind set because in life I am going to be challenged.  The important thing is that I take that chance to learn each time I am challenged instead of defending.  I have always been frustrated that coming from a single parent home I didn't have two parents, we didn't have money (half the time we didn't have electricity), and I had to pay my own way through school. Everyday I have to fight my self-fulling defeatism outlook that I have had for most of my life.

I have discovered something very important though as an outsider, I am a keen observer and can see the wider perspective.  This insight is a powerful tool to turn disadvantages into advantages.  When I went to university I saw so many students throwing their education away for parties and fun.  Having to pay for my own education I wasn't about to throw money away, so I studied hard to make sure I got the education I was paying for.  Growing up poor, I have so much more understanding of the value of money than a lot of people I know. 

I assume that world is full of false sincerity and because of this I struggle to participate which only leads to more loneliness and isolation.  I know the right thing to do is to participate in life in order to not be lonely and isolated in my own thoughts.  Last year I got married to an amazing man with an equally amazing family.  They include me in everything, but the years of being an outcast make it difficult for me to accept my place.  I know they want nothing but the best for me and want me to feel I am a part of the unit (because as my husband keeps telling me I am a part of this family) and I know that I am a part of this wonderful, kind family, but it is a daily struggle to accept their kindness and their genuine love.